I’m not sure whether you could exactly call it a guilty pleasure but it definitely feels a little bit like that: I love watching bike races with British commentary. 

If you think there’s no way you would spend six hours on a sunny Saturday indoors, blinds closed, sitting in front of the television and watching approximately 160 men riding their bikes from A to B, I guess you are one of the many. At the same time, I’m probably one of the few because I absolutely love it. Not only do I love looking at the picturesque landscapes most bike races travel through, but I also enjoy following the race, trying to understand the teams’ tactics, seeing which rider is on a good day, and getting excited on the final climb when the stars of the sport try to get the better of each other.

I was excited about cycling already when I was a little kid when a certain Jan Ullrich was my hero. My cycling knowledge at that time was so great that I bet against my father that I would be able to write down the names of 100 Tour de France riders and their teams. Not only did I write 100 names, I actually managed to write down 200 (!) names of professional road bike riders. So yes, I must have really liked bike racing back then.

The part I today enjoy the most, however, and this is probably even more disturbing, is listening to the commentary. 

I don’t know why but a couple of years ago when I was trying to find the right stream in the Eurosport app it started not with the German commentary but with the British. I was almost switching the language when I thought: “Well, that’s different. These guys are really excited about the race!” So I stuck with the British commentary and I have been thrilled - quite literally - by it ever since. 

While the German commentators - besides Wolf Fuss and Frank Buschmann of course - are always a little bit reserved and (too) calm I think, their British counterparts are quite the opposite. If you have never had the opportunity to listen to Rob Hatch or Carlton Kirby commentating the last hundred meters of a bike race you have been missing out on something amazing, exciting and goosebump-creating. These two are probably more excited about the race than the riders themselves. I'm actually sure about it. And not only do they manage to transport this emotion into your home, but they’re also extremely eloquent, knowledgeable, and you just enjoy listening to them - even when it's Giro d'Italia, Stage 6, two riders from Green Project Bardiani have gone for the breakaway, there are no mountains on the menu and there is absolutely nothing happening in the race. My appreciation for the commentary of Rob and Carlton goes to such an extent that I’ve found myself riding my own bike while listening to the commentary of a race with my AirPods. I don't even need the images, I'm just happy to listen to the commentary. If then Irish legend Sean Kelly and Australian hero Robbie McEwen join them, it’s the best form of entertainment I can think of.

While I could write and talk about bike races and the British commentators much longer, let’s get to the point I actually wanted to make in this little essay. Another thing I like besides watching and even more so listening to bike races is listening to audiobooks. The thought occurred to me that if the commentators are so good at commentating they are probably good at narrating as well. I opened my Audible app, typed in the names of the commentators and got lucky! Eurosport legend Carlton Kirby has written books and they are available in the Audible app! 

His most recent book is called Sticky Bottle and I downloaded it right away. I had no clue what it was about but I was just excited I could listen to Carlton - no matter what he’s actually talking about. Brian Smith, a cycling expert who’s sometimes joining Carlton in the commentary box, said: “Carlton's style often borders on controlled madness... sometimes without the control”. And I find that quite accurate.

The book has no crazy storyline. It doesn’t even have crazy stories with murders, love dramas, or whatever. The book is simply about the bike races in the world from January to December and features 1-2 anecdotes Carlton has experienced in the last 30 or so years. He’s talking about how he bought a real Octopus in Portugal where he was commentating on the Volta ao Algarve, explains why there is still some anglophobia in the south of France where the season gets started at the GP de la Marseillaise and introduces you to the 5€-All-You-Can-Drink-Beer-Tent at the Amstel Gold Race. 

I guess these are not world-changing stories. But listening to Carlton, giving you one or two romantic anecdotes about so many places in the world and then somehow connecting it with bike races - I think Carlton himself would say "You got to love it for goodness sake!" And that's why for me, this is the best purposeless book I have ever read.

The book and the audiobook are available on Amazon. If you read or listen to it, please let me know how you liked it!